Monday, September 28, 2009

You've Got Problems? We've Got Solutions!

In the world of complex problems and economic instability we live in today, we all need a shoulder to lean on from time to time. Everyone needs help when sickness or disaster strikes. When we are down, we need reassurance from those we love that things will turn out O.K., and that we will somehow be taken care of.

In days past, families, friends, churches, and local communities in America have stepped in to help individuals and families with special needs. Thank goodness for the kindness and generosity given to us by those close to us!! And for those of us who believe in God, our gratitude toward him and the blessings he gives us in our darkest hour knows no limits!!!

These days, we have another friend in town. This is a friend who for the past several decades has come to our rescue with increasing zeal. This is a friend to whom we as a nation gave certain powers over 225 years ago – the power to protect our borders from foreign invasion, the power to regulate commerce between nations and between the states, the power to coin money, the power to appoint judges and ambassadors, the power to levy taxes.

This friend is Uncle Sam. Whether you trust this friend or not, whether you like him or not, his offers of assistance to Joe American are growing more and more frequent. He has long since looked upon the duties of families, churches, and local and state governments with jealousy.

He thinks he can do better.

You've Got Problems? We've Got Solutions!

Don’t have time to spend with your kids? No problem – America’s public school system will soon pick up the slack and baby-sit your kids from sunup to sundown so you don’t have to deal with your kids’ snotty noses, their constant need to be kept busy doing something, and those vexing questions on the meaning of life!

Don’t have any money to feed your kids because of unemployment or bills rising faster than your puny paycheck? We’ve got your back! Just send your kids to school early so they can be fed breakfast. Lunch – well, we’ve got you on that one too. And since the kiddies will soon be staying at school as late as 7 PM, we’ll throw dinner in as a bonus. You provide the kids with a place to sleep at night, and let good old Uncle Sam do the rest.

You’re sick? Poor baby! Don’t worry about your lifestyle – it’s not your fault! Soon enough, we’ll make sure you have health insurance (whether you want it or not). Because, you know, having health insurance is the key to good health!

Don’t know how to go out there and do something productive for society to bring in an income? Can’t think for yourself?? GREAT! You must be a product of public schooling and mass media indoctrination! And as long as you don’t question the system, we’ll find you a job. Whether you want to work in healthcare, education, or law enforcement, we’ve got a bunch of positions opening up shortly!

And we’ll tell you about some other problems you didn’t know you had, because we have solutions for those too

We will protect you from the dread disease of Swine Flu – we have worked with a few corporations to concoct a vaccine that contains:

  • Swine flu virus,
  • Aluminium (linked with brain disorders such as Alzheimer’s),
  • Ethylene glycol (found in anti-freeze),
  • Formaldehyde (a known cancer-causing agent),
  • Thimerosal (which contains mercury), and
  • Squalene (which causes autoimmune symptoms when injected into rats).

If you are pregnant or have small children, you should be first in line for this vaccine to protect you from an illness that has killed 600 people worldwide (most of whom had underlying health problems) out of millions of people who contracted the disease.

(And we’ll just leave out the evidence that you can prevent or reduce complications with this and other types of flu with adequate Vitamin D, which can be attained for free by getting 15 minutes of sun exposure per day.)

We will protect you from Global Warming, and we will do this by levying “green” taxes on such things as your monthly utility bill, cow flatulence, and even a proposed baby tax! Didn’t you know that having babies is damaging to the environment and puts us all at risk?!?

(Not to mention all the “problems” revealed to us on the pages of grocery-store magazines with the solutions provided within their pages: get rid of cellulite now, you need a bikini-ready body, the Top 10 Sex moves you MUST know to get a guy, the latest styles and beauty products you need to make a splash, etc… ad nauseum)

Pay no attention to the man behind the green curtain . . .

Don’t worry – it’s not all about problems out there. We’ll make sure you never know about the real threats that hang over you, because a few rich Americans own Hollywood and the mainstream media, and they will promote a steady diet of:

  • Fast food advertising,
  • Immortality masquerading as all that is good, glorious, and delightful,
  • Blatant immorality (for those of you so desensitized that you don’t need the sugar coating),
  • Sports rivalries and scores,
  • Contentions between the false split of the political “left” and “right”,
  • The latest gossip on Britney Spears, AND
  • Everything you ever wanted to know about Michelle Obama’s wardrobe.

Don’t you fret yourself about:

  • Impending food shortages,
  • Eroding civil liberties,
  • A consolidation of power at the level of the Federal government, and developing draconian global government, AND
  • Corruption, hypocrisy, and lies in high places.

No, don’t you worry yourself about these things. Because we’ve made sure you have so many other things to worry about that you have neither the time nor the space in your brain to concern yourself.

Besides, I bet they’ll come up with a new government program to deal with any of these types of problems should they become big enough. Because we have a true friend in Uncle Sam . . .

No comments:

Post a Comment